The
Top 10 Tips on Managing Conflict, Emotional Tension and
Anger
*********************
To be a
safe and predictable person for those around you at work and at home, it
is essential that you are able to maintain your composure when you feel like
your 'buttons' are being pushed. This strength will help you to achieve your
goals in business as well as your goals for your personal relationships.
1. Share negative emotions only
in person or on the phone.
E-mails, answering machine messages,
and notes are too impersonal for the delicate nature of negative words. What
feels like a bomb on paper may feel like a feather when delivered in
person.
2. Pepper your responses with
the phrase, "I understand".
This phrase will support your
goals when the tension is high and you need to find common ground to form
compromises or agreements with the other party.
3. Take notice when you feel
threatened by what someone is saying to you.
Resist the temptation to defend
yourself or to "shut down" the other person's communication. It will take
this kind of discipline to become an open, trusting communicator.
4. Practice making requests of
others when you are angry.
It is often much more useful to
make a request than to share your anger. For example, if the babysitter is
driving you crazy by leaving dirty dishes in the sink, it is better to make
a request of them than to let your anger leak out in other ways such as by
becoming more distant.
5. Try repeating the exact words
that someone is saying to you when they are in a lot of emotional pain or
when you disagree with them completely.
This mirroring technique can keep
both the speaker and the listener 'centered' in a difficult conversation,
especially when the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain
understanding of a different point of view.
6. Take responsibility for your
feelings to avoid blaming others.
Notice when 'blameshifting' begins
to leak into your speech. "I feel angry when you are twenty minutes late
and you don't call me" is much better than, "You make me so mad by being
late."
7. Learn to listen to the two
sides of the conflict that you are in as if you were the mediator or the
counselor.
If you can listen and respond
in this way you will bring peace and solutions to the conflict more quickly.
For example, in response to an employee's raise request, you might say, "On
the one hand I understand that you really need the raise, and on the other
hand I represent the company, whose funds are very scarce at this time. Is
there a way that I can work on your compensation package that does not involve
cash?" Here, the mediator's point of view can look for the creative compromise
that takes into account the limits and the needs of both parties.
8. Take a playful attitude towards
developing the skill of emotional self-control in high conflict
situations.
You could view maintaining
self-control in a tense, angry converstion as an athletic feat. You could
also view developing this skill as similar to working out at the gym with
weights - the more that you use your self-control muscle the bigger it will
grow and the easier it will be to remain calm when tension is great.
9. Wait a few days to cool down
emotionally when a situation makes you feel wild with intense feelings, such
as rage.
As time passes, you will be able
to be more objective about the issues and to sort out the truth about the
situation more clearly.
10. Make a decision to speak with
decorum whenever you are angry or frustrated.
If you give yourself permission
to blow up, people will not feel safe around you. They will feel that you
are not predictable and will carry 'shields' when they are near you. The
fear and walls of others will not support your goals for success in relationships
or at work.
About the Author: This
piece was written by Dr. Clare Albright, Clinical Psychologist and Professional
Coach. These 10 Tips are from, "85 Secrets for Improving Your Communication
Skills" by Dr. Clare Albright, which can be downloaded for only $5.77 via
http://www.ImprovingYourCommunicationSkills.com.
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